There was an error in this gadget

Monday, January 18, 2010

Alfred the Ogre

So I got this little feeling that Adam and Cliff are going to really tear this apart, and Erin and Veronica are going to Snicker. But I want you all to know that I really stretched myself to just get this far, but if it sucks, let's hear it! :-P There's still a lot of changes that need to be made (This is only the first draft), and I'd like to know what you think about the story.


Alfred the Ogre

1
"Everyday is the same old thing!" grumbled Alfred the Ogre.
Alfred was a lazy slob and a terrible loafer.
For outside his cave he would sluggishly sit in his doorway,
Wondering if the forest would (ever) be interesting someday.

2
Alfred had a neighbor of the jolly, adventurous sort,
Her name was Abbie A. Athelfort!
She was old and bold, always sporting a grin,
But she was constantly occupied and sharp as a pin.

3
One day Alfred lifelessly watched as Ms. Athelfort came walking by,
She smiled and waved her purse, but he didn't even try.
As usual, she was on her way to her sisters in Brussels Sprout,
And as she hurried along a peculiar book fell out.

4
And there it lay for many a minute,
Before Alfred began to fidget.
Finally the restless oaf took and examined the dusty thing,
and on the cover it read, "Spellbinding and Transforming."

5
Alfred stood there a moment and held the book tight,
not sure if he had actually read it right.
"If Ms. Abbie, the happy hag, was indeed a witch. . ."
Alfred smiled and his fingers began to twitch.

6
He thought of all the good fun he could have,
and looked about him, and gave a great laugh.
"This Stripe Spell shall I try!" he said as he wobbled to his old oak,
"This tree shall be first." and then Silly Alfred gave the tree a poke.

7
Shivers and tingles went up and down Alfred's spine,
For the tree was now indeed striped with an elegant red line.
And very soon after that, all the forest had stripes, stars, and dots,
For Alfred was finally fulfilling his unfulfilled plots.

8
Alfred knew the witch would be upset,
but he also knew she wouldn't be back until after sunset.
So on he went on his merry little way,
casting spells and charms on everything that day.

9
The forest animals were all colorful casualties of his fancy,
With no thought, care or hesitancy.
And cruel Alfred had even made all the flowers smell sour,
Thus his new game had grown meaner and nastier by the hour.

10
"Things are quite fitting, quite better by far,
Too bad they can't stay just as they are."
But the hour was getting late,
He must make everything straight.

11
"Walla-ba-boo, Moppa-fa-shoo!"
Then suddenly everything went askew.
The ground rumbled and roared,
But Alfred was more scared from what came afterward.

12
All the forest creatures were going berserk,
Because Alfred had been such a jerk.
Even the trees seemed to come after him,
Scratching and snatching at every single limb!

13
Scrambling and crawling, Alfred made one last squeal,
And shut his eyes tight, and made his final appeal.
Then unexpectedly, with no warning or notice,
Alfred felt very heavy and completely speechless.

14
Curiously, the ogre could no longer move or budge,
And he was inches deep in cold, mossy sludge.
Suddenly out came the smug, crackling Crone,
And slowly Alfred began to know he was a big block of stone!

15
For when Ms. Abbie had waved, he had remained aloof,
And even when he had his limbs, he ne'er did move.
So why then is this such a shock?
For he might as well have been a brainless rock.

4 comments:

  1. i forgot to mention that in the illustrations, im going to have the hag hidden in the trees while alfred is casting the spells, so that on one page all you'll see is a bit of her skirt and the next only a hand or something, on the last page, i want to do a spot illustration of the hag sitting on alfred (when he's a rock) drinking her tea or having a picnic. i hope that helps you give an idea of how it's going to go.....
    ....im kinda intimidated cuz you guys are the masters of storytelling! so be nice to me!

    ReplyDelete
  2. haha....masters of what? I think this is a really fun idea. I am not sure about the rhyming... it fits the style of the story but rhyming is always difficult and often gets a little forced. I like the flow and the fun things that happen. I got a little lost when things started going wrong... it just kind of happened and then he was a rock. Maybe I misread... Good job though. I like it. Is this for Narrative?

    ReplyDelete
  3. yeah, after i posted this i called my family and my mom and little sister are going to work on the rhythm and rhyming for me, their pretty much going to make the 2nd draft for me cuz they love to write and i don't :-)
    and yeah the ending ends abruptly...i'll work on that

    ReplyDelete
  4. i think it is a fan story, but i would also suggest not trying to rhyme it, i think it would be a more clear and fun story if it was just plain written. without a limited number of lines you would be able to tell all of the story that you want (and we've been told by editors that they toss out rhyming stories anyway, they dont like them)

    ReplyDelete